ambedo n. a kind of melacholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details—raindrops skittering down a window, tall trees leaning in the wind, clouds of cream swirling in your coffee—which leads to a dawning awareness of the haunting fragility of life
John Hughes’ commentary: The closer he looks at the child, the less he sees…The more he looks at it, there’s nothing there and I think he fears that the more you look at him, the less you see—there isn’t anything there. That’s him.
(Source: lucifelle)
Days like these I feel like not living anymore. Not because I am sad or fed up or afraid or any other reason like that, but I guess because I’m bored. The depersonalization makes me feel dead, like there is nothing that can make me feel anything now or ever again and I just want to go to sleep forever. Its like my eyes get stuck. Staring and I just cant feel anything anymore. And I’m expected to interact with family and do something, idk what. I guess I’m supposed to show interest in people and things or do something to entertain myself but I just feel empty. Its not the sort of suicidal that calls for acting on, but just a tired feeling, like the world has just sucked the life out of me.
I was practically an only child, given the age difference between myself and Joe. And I cannot stress how much this fantasy life rings true with me, and it’s something I have always done as a child and continued into high school and even still sometimes I do it, although I have been trying to stop doing it so much. It’s like I always have a story going in my head that involves characters from whatever I’ve been reading/watching lately and what in the fan fiction world is called an “OC” or original character that most definitely is a projection of what I want/wish to be. The story is constantly changing and evolving and starting over, once it starts to get boring I just change to a different one. It is a world in which I can have complete control over everything, and perhaps that is why I escape(d) into it so often, as it was infinitely more exciting than my own life. And it was stopped in time, in that it never had to deal with death or getting older or anything, a fantasy world in which “the road goes on forever and the party never ends”, as it were. I can escape into it for hours if I wish, leaving my physical self to sit there doing nothing.
As I have explained before, this is something I used to do. I used to be able to step back from myself, as it were, and think “this is life! I exist and existence is what life is” (that’s the best I can explain what it meant to me). I first remember doing it while waiting in the kitchen for my mom to set the security so we could go out the door. I remember I had long hair, which means it must have been early 1st grade or earlier, as I cut my hair very short in 1st grade. I did it on and off for several years, perhaps to ground myself and give myself perspective, in whatever way I understood that to be at the time.
A bit of a stretch, but I also came very close to failing math in the 3rd grade, I got a D. And I have always felt that I have performed below my potential in school. I am intelligent enough to get good grades, but I can’t ever seem to push myself beyond B-average-ish. I always end up not doing assignments or turning something in late when I shouldn’t have, usually as a result of procrastination.
I also was extremely lucky to come from a moderately wealthy family who could send me to private schools and I had good friends and desperately wanted a boyfriend, but most of my high school year was wasted by me messing up in school or being so depressed I didn’t enjoy anything.
I am always under immense pressure from myself for the most part, as I know I am performing below my potential and know that I am capable of doing better and yet I don’t so I berate myself and become extremely perfectionist about things.
